The Meet Hope Podcast
The Meet Hope Podcast
117: Parenting 2025: Because They’re Gonna Google It, Let's Talk About It!
Talking to your kids about dating, relationships, and sex may be one of the most uncomfortable parenting responsibilities, but it doesn't have to be! In this episode, Jason Shinn (Hope Youth Director) and Amanda Cavaliere (Parenting and Marriage Coordinator, Preschool Director) tackle this conversation with humor, practical advice, honestly, and encouragement.
Ready to become more comfortable with these essential conversations? Want to keep talking about it? Join Amanda and Jason for a parenting small group on April 27th at 9AM in the chapel at HOPE. Sign up here! meethope.org/groups
Thanks for being a part of the HOPE community as we continue conversations about faith and hope! You can learn more at meethope.org or find us on socials @meethopechurch. Join in for worship on Sundays at meethope.online.church! Have a question? Contact us at podcast@meethope.org.
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Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast, where we have conversations about faith and hope. Hope is one church made of people living out their faith through two expressions in person and online. We believe a hybrid faith experience can lead to a growing influence in our community and our world for the sake of others. Welcome to Hope. Our world for the sake of others. Welcome to Hope.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast. My name is Jason Shin. I'm the youth director here at Hope and I am with Amanda Cavallari.
Speaker 3:Hi Jason.
Speaker 2:Hey, and you have many job hats.
Speaker 3:Many job hats. I'm tomorrow's Hope preschool director as well as the parenting and marriage coordinator here at Hope.
Speaker 2:That's a big one, yep, and we lead a small group once a month with parents of teens and tweens and we have awesome conversations and we've got one coming up April 27th that we're really excited about and this podcast. We're going for a trophy, amanda, most awkward conversation of the year.
Speaker 3:No, it's going to be great.
Speaker 2:It's going to be good it's going to be good. It's going to be great, and so we are talking about sex and dating and having those conversations with our students sooner rather than later.
Speaker 3:Yes, so this is really for parents and how they can talk to their kids about these topics, and we learned while we were preparing for this that this is just going to scrape the surface. This could be weeks and weeks and weeks, jason, that I know would make you so excited.
Speaker 3:We could have a whole series on this, but we are going to just scrape the surface today and then invite parents to our small group on April 27th to continue the conversation Absolutely Great. So we are starting this because, Jason, you just finished a four-week series on dating with Hope Youth. So how did that go?
Speaker 2:As well as you would expect. We did four weeks. We started with the topic of what is love, the difference between I love Taco Bell and I love my wife. We looked at 1 Corinthians 13. And then we asked the question am I dateable? And we looked at what kind of work are you doing before you even jump into this dating pool? And then what do we look for in significant others? And then we wrapped up with intensity versus intimacy and talking about kind of the pressures to feel like they have to date and how sometimes, when they're oversharing, they feel like they have an intimate relationship and really they might have a pressured relationship.
Speaker 2:And so we talked about kind of that type of stuff and then two weeks ago I said, hey, this series is going so well that certain kids have asked me if they could go longer, if we could do this longer. So I thought of extending the dating series for three or four more weeks and the entire crowd booed me.
Speaker 3:Really Wow, that's shocking, actually, wow. Well, you know it can be an awkward topic. Like you said, it can be challenging.
Speaker 2:But an important one.
Speaker 3:So, so important right To have with kids and for parents to have with their kids, and so I'm curious, Jason how did your parents handle this with you?
Speaker 2:My parents, it was interesting. I went to private school until eighth grade and I don't think private school talked about sex and dating until high school. And then I went to public school for ninth through twelfth grade and the high school had already talked about it. So I feel like I missed it from the school aspect and I feel like my parents had maybe a conversation or two with me, but it definitely wasn't something that we sought each other out over. How about you?
Speaker 3:Okay, so my mom was a nurse full of medical information, and so she kind of attacked this conversation from that angle with a book and diagrams and sat down Technical terms. Technical terms and sat down with me one time with this book and did the whole puberty to sex in one time.
Speaker 2:One and done.
Speaker 3:One and done, closed the book, never to be discussed again. Right? So there you go.
Speaker 2:I feel like there's a lot of parents that either look to the school to do it or try to do it in a one and done, and research finds that it's actually more drive-by conversations lots of drive-by conversations that work better than just the one and done or waiting for the school to do it. Oh yeah, which is kind of what we're talking, which is why we want to talk about it at youth group, but also with together on April 27th.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it. It is uncomfortable and it is awkward, but it's too important of a topic to avoid. So you're not going to do all the time in youth group and we're not going to talk about this all time in youth group and we're not going to talk about this all the time at home, but we need to make sure it's being addressed in somewhat of a regular basis. And I found this great quote that said, if you think having uncomfortable conversations is hard, wait until you see the results of not having them. And to me, when I read that, all I could think of was this conversation you got to be talking about this with your kids, or sometimes the consequences are going to be even more challenging.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, we've been thinking about this at Hope Youth a lot and it's interesting. We don't have a ton of people dating per se, but man, they're sure interested in it and they will push back and push back. But I heard from my small group leaders that it was probably the easiest and best conversations that they had because the kids were really interested in the topic and the small group leaders were able to share kind of their success stories but also failure and funny stories, and so they had conversations around this topic. And I think you're right, it's uncomfortable, but wait until you see the results of not having these conversations. I think that's a really powerful quote.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and we as parents want to establish ourselves as the source on this topic, because if our kids aren't coming to us, they're curious. Like you just said, they want to talk about a youth group. So if they're not coming to us with that curiosity, they're going to either their friends or the internet, and both are not the best sources.
Speaker 2:I think the scariest source is the pocket computer that they carry with them and sleep with on a regular basis. You know what they do. When they're sitting at home with just their phone and they have a question and no one's around, or they don't feel comfortable having a conversation with a trusted adult, they go to the internet, and that can lead down to some horrible paths.
Speaker 3:So my son, years ago I mean years ago came up to my husband and I and he had his phone and he said so I heard the word skinny dipping and I looked it up on my phone and this is what I found. I'm uncomfortable with what I found. And I said where did you hear the word skinny dipping? And he said from Gigi, who is my mother. Let's go back to the nurse. And so I mean what do you do with that, jason? This is from his grandmother's talk about skinny dipping.
Speaker 2:It might be time for a drive by conversation. There might be a teachable moment in this.
Speaker 3:There is a teachable moment in that. So it was multiple teachable moments. But you know, these things are going to come up all the time and we have to be ready to talk about it. And I feel like the other thing is is that sometimes parents are like, if I talk about sex with my kid, I talk they're going to go do it, and so the longer I wait to talk about it, the longer I have to put off for them to do, and that's just not true.
Speaker 2:We actually found some really cool resources that we're going to hand out at our April 27th small group, and a lot of the resources have links it's a PDF that have links to research studies, and studies actually say that talking to kids about sex doesn't start them on an unhealthy path. It actually does the opposite. The fear is that if we have these conversations, that kids are going to go down these paths, but in reality, if we don't have these open and honest conversations, kids make mistakes and I've been seeing that. I've seen it over. I've been doing this for 20 years. You're obviously a parent. I'm sure you've got stories of friends of your kids and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:In fact, parents actually feel unprepared or unequipped. But, like we've been talking about, don't let this stop you from having the conversation One of the Bible actually talks about in Philippians 4, 5, and 7, the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything about. In Philippians 4, 5, and 7, the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, even the sex and dating talk, every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Speaker 2:And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus. Is that not the verse for this topic?
Speaker 3:That's the verse. Right, do not fear, right? We don't want to go into this with fear. And yet there is so much to be anxious about for parents, right, they're anxious about reflecting on their own sexual past, right? And what do they tell their kids? What do they not tell their kids? And so there's anxiety there. There's anxiety about talking to your kids about consent. There's anxiety about talking to your kids that sex is made to be pleasurable, like that's why God created it.
Speaker 2:It's God designed.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's why God created it, but that's uncomfortable to say to your child in some ways.
Speaker 2:I think the anxiety is really about a perfectionism that we have to have all of our answers set up and if we don't have any answers, we're not going to have any conversation until we have those answers. And in the void? Kids fill in the void with whatever resources they can find.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the other thing is, if we choose not to talk about this with our kids, it also sends the message of something else, which tends to be shame guilt. If mom and dad don't talk about this, then it shouldn't be talked about.
Speaker 2:It's something I should be embarrassed of.
Speaker 3:It's something I should be embarrassed of, exactly, and it shuts it down and we don't want to be sending that message either, right? We don't want our kids to be filled with shame over this topic, because truly it is a gift from God or fear yeah.
Speaker 2:This is a topic I can't have a conversation with trusted adults, with my parents or my youth leaders or anything like that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, All right. So here's the question. Okay, what you got?
Speaker 2:And obviously I got to speak to the parent in the room.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:When do you start talking to your kids about dating and sex and all the stuff in between?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so sooner than later, and there's lots of ways to do this organically. So when kids are little like the preschool age kids parents can just talk about bodies with goodness and you know, god created our bodies and your body is beautiful and it's made in his image and body parts. And talking about body parts and using their names appropriately.
Speaker 2:And the differences aren't bad.
Speaker 3:The differences aren't bad and all of these things are good, and teaching them that it's okay to ask questions about why he has this part and she doesn't, and all of those things Like brothers and sisters might notice in the tub that they look different and why. And just very comfortable, easy conversations. And then, as they age, it's what we have been saying, which is, let's have smaller conversations all along the way instead of that one-time talk, because they're curious all along the way and different things are gonna come up at different times when you are least prepared, right? So I pick up a child from middle school. The child gets in the car. How was your day? My day was good. Health class was weird. Okay, why was health class weird? Well, we watched a video on STDs. Oh, okay, an award-winning video An award-winning video.
Speaker 3:And then the question do you and dad have STDs? And so here I am at the end of my day having to have this one of these little conversations in the car. I'm not ready for it. I haven't prepared the STD conversation, right, and so it's just. You know, I do what I do all the time when they ask me something, I'm not ready to answer it as I throw them back. A question why? What did the video say about STDs? Right? Did it make it sound like everybody?
Speaker 2:well, yeah, right, so the video did not help you at all.
Speaker 3:The video just added more fear and so. But then it opened the conversation to well. This is why god designed sex to be in an exclusive relationship, right? Was I ready at 4 pm 4 30 on a wed Wednesday to have that conversation? I was not, but we need to be. That's the hard part about parenting, jason, is that you never know what's coming at you.
Speaker 2:And there's moments like when you're watching movies or TV shows where you can have conversations about dating relationships, about sex, as you're skipping that scene.
Speaker 3:But it's also easier sometimes to have it be removed right. So there it is on TV. You can talk about the TV scene and it's not about them personally, and so it makes it a little bit easier to talk about too.
Speaker 2:There's a family in one of our small groups. Our small group is all about conversation. It's all about parents sharing with parents the good, the bad and the hilarious.
Speaker 3:Lots of hilarious.
Speaker 2:And there's one guy, one dad, who specifically has these conversations, but he always does it in the car and he always does it with an end goal, like hey, we're going to go over it, we're going to go to the park or we're going to go to this. And so the kid knows this conversation is only going to last 15 minutes because he knows there's an end point.
Speaker 3:And nobody's looking at each other while they're having this conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the good thing about the car Brilliant stuff, and it's one of the cool things about the small group is sharing these ideas and sharing what's worked, what hasn't worked, why it's worked and stuff like that, and so tying that into this conversation, I think, is really important.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I think the sooner the better and the sooner the better, and if you haven't started having these conversations yet, it's not too late. It's never too late ever. Start having them sooner than later and we'll talk about how more, and in our small group too. But why did you feel the need to teach this at Hope Youth?
Speaker 2:I feel the need because it's something that I feel like the church should cover. It's an important conversation to have with the group and it's important, I think, think having not just another resource besides the parents talking about the same message I think reinforces what you're trying to communicate at home. I feel like it's really important. Obviously, it's also important because God designed us for relationship and so being together and getting these conversations going outside of the home is really important too, and also I think students, when they read the Bible, can sometimes feel like God is out to kill their fun.
Speaker 3:Right, yeah, all the rules, jason, all the rules, all the don'ts.
Speaker 2:God is a cosmic killjoy, when, in fact, I always present the kids with a question, with the students with a question what if the creator of the universe, the creator who spent so much time creating you as an individual, is actually not out to kill your fun, but actually out to protect you from hurt and harm? What if that God cares and loves you so much? So having these conversations is a way to protect us from hurt and harm, and so that's one of the reasons why we want to have the conversation here at Hope Youth.
Speaker 3:I love that. That's really good and as a parent, I appreciate there being other sources outside of my husband and I. Right, we want to be the first source, but sometimes they are more comfortable talking to their youth leader or trusted adult about these questions.
Speaker 2:Sometimes they feel safer having a conversation with a group of all chucklehead eighth grade boys and their two small group leaders, and sometimes they don't, but sometimes it's just good for them to be in it together.
Speaker 3:And just even knowing maybe I didn't talk at small group about that, but knowing that my leader is a source for that, and maybe six, 12 months from now, it makes me think. Oh, I need to go back to that relationship that I had with my small group leader and asking them because I trust them. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So the question then is where do we start? And obviously we're not going to give a ton of answers, because we're this is a whole teaser for our April 27th small group. But what are some? What are some key things that we can, that we can think of as we consider these conversations, whether your, your, your child is in preschool, elementary, middle or high school, maybe even college, I'm not sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, I think that it's important that you, as the adult, and if you are married, that you with your co-parent, have the conversation of what is the message that we want to give our child. What do we wish we had known and understood about sex and dating from an early age?
Speaker 3:You, you before we can teach anything, we have to know what it is we want to teach right and so the first thing we need to do is come up with what is the message that we want them to know. What do we want them to know about what, what, what their bodies are and how they work? And you know, there's. There's the science and the medical piece of sex, right, but there's also all the emotional parts, and the spiritual and the spiritual parts and coming up with your spouse or your co-parent with together as a team. This is the message that we want our kids to know.
Speaker 2:What are the key takeaways? I want my kid to know rock solid. What are those key takeaways?
Speaker 3:Yes, and that's not something that Jason or I can tell parents to do. You know, parents need to have that themselves before they even start. You know, what is it that we want our kids to know Any age? What are the values that you want to communicate about your bodies in sex and dating? Right? Why do we date? Did you talk about that with the kids?
Speaker 2:We did. We talked about how we're designed for relationship. We also talked about, it's okay if you're not ready to date, and we wanted to give permission because there's a pressure in middle and high school that I'm not anything unless I've got this other person and that's kind of that intensity versus intimacy, like there's an intense pressure to date when you may not be even ready or interested but you do it because your friend's expecting.
Speaker 2:So we talked a lot about that. In fact, one of the things we've talked about is how might the message that we're getting at home and at church be different than the message that they're getting from their friends, from what they're watching on TV, from culture? Is it okay to be different? And we definitely gave permission for it to be okay to be different.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's so hard. That is hard. Our kids struggle in so many ways with all that pressure, and this is just another area that they're struggling with.
Speaker 2:It makes it all the more important to have as many drive-by conversations as we can.
Speaker 3:Yes, and you found this note, which I thought was great, to try and condense your message into one sentence we need to be talking less and they need to be talking more right. These conversations should not be us just saying do this, don't do that, do this, don't do that, do this, don't do that. It needs to be conversational.
Speaker 2:I think a big piece of the conversation is. It's not as simple as like you got it in a straightforward, one-time topic. I got it in a small conversations, but I feel like you know, I wish I had the courage to talk to my parents about what I felt was gray areas and you know different situations I found myself in, but too often I found myself going. I got to handle this on my own. I can't talk to my parents and that was more about me than anything else. But I think that that's really important for us to try to condense our messages into simple things that people can remember as they face situations, but also opening them up to come back to have. I have a question I know you said this and they may have that sentence for you what does it look like when I'm in this situation? And that's an amazing car conversation, an amazing walking around the neighborhood conversation. Amazing car conversation and amazing walking around the neighborhood conversation.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and, and just that we let them come to us with whatever their questions may be, without making fun of them, without making them embarrassed, without laughing Right, because, boy, when he said yeah, what's skinny dipping?
Speaker 3:I mean, you know part of me was like what and then part of me was laughing inside, right and and the definition on his phone it's like okay. But trying to like any question they bring to us to just take it as we might be inside going oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I don't know how to handle this. But trying to have that face is just calm and confident and it's okay.
Speaker 2:I think Pastor Rick would be proud if we mentioned Ted Lasso.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:Be curious, not judgmental, yes, and so asking questions instead of just snapping to a judgment or snapping to a quick answer. Asking questions, so you know the STD video, what did the STD? That was a great question. Well, it bought me time to think. I was going to say, as you were panic thinking. But the questions give them time to express themselves, but also us time to gather our thoughts. So be curious, not judgmental. So trying to get to the heart of why are they asking these questions is a really important thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah. So I mean this. Like we said, there is so much out there, we have so many resources that we want to share with parents and we could not cover it in one quick podcast. So we encourage people to join us on April 27th at 9 am in the chapel as we dive into this conversation and talk about this and more challenges too. There's a lot more challenges here, with peer pressure and consent and pornography and so many other things that we didn't get to jump into here, but we believe that this is an important topic to wrestle together with and have these discussion with our kids, right, jason?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, it'll be a good time.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so we appreciate you listening today. We hope to see lots of you on April 27th and if you like this podcast, we encourage you to share it with a friend download it, pass it on and you can learn more at meethopeorg or find us on socials at meethopechurch.