93: Communicating as a Couple with Rob and Dana Carson

Join us this week as we chat with Rob and Dana Carson, who share insights from their 17-year journey of marriage. They share ways they keep their bond strong amidst busy schedules with two teenagers and full time jobs. Together, they talk about the communication strategies that have helped them maintain a loving and resilient relationship, no matter what difficulties or challenges they have encountered. Special thank you to Rob and Dana for being our guests this week!

NOTES & RESOURCES:

• Looking for support in your marriage? Contact Amanda at amanda@meethope.org.
• How to create a shared google calendar: https://support.google.com/calendar/answer/37082?hl=en

Thanks for being a part of the HOPE community as we continue conversations about faith and hope! You can learn more at meethope.org or find us on socials @meethopechurch.  Join in for worship on Sundays at meethope.online.church! Have a question? Contact us at podcast@meethope.org.  

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:03

Welcome to the Meet Hope Podcast, where we have conversations about faith and hope. Hope is one church made of people living out their faith through two expressions in person and online. We believe a hybrid faith experience can lead to a growing influence in our community and our world for the sake of others. Welcome to Hope our world for the sake of others.

Speaker 2 0:28

Welcome to Hope, welcome to the Meet Hope podcast here at Hope Church. My name is Amanda Cavalieri, I'm the director of Tomorrow's Hope Preschool, as well as the coordinator of marriage and parenting ministries here at Hope, and I am excited to be sitting down with my friends and one of my favorite couples, rob and Dana Carson. Hi, guys, hi.

Speaker 3 0:46

Amanda Hello.

Speaker 2 0:47

It's great to have you here. Can you tell us a little bit about yourselves, where you grew up, how long you've been married? Anything good about your background stories for us to know?

Speaker 3 0:57

So I grew up in Berlin, New Jersey.

Speaker 4 0:59

I grew up in Stratford, New Jersey.

Speaker 3 1:01

Okay, so local, so local, and I was teaching at Sterling High School and his mom was a secretary there and she said to me I want you to, I want to introduce you to my son. She knew I was a Christian and she knew that he had the same beliefs as me. And it took two years of her asking me to go out on a date with her son for me to finally be like fine. And she was like, all right, here's his number. And I said I'm not going to call him, here's my number.

Speaker 4 1:29

Have him call me.

Speaker 2 1:29

And he did, he did. You trusted your mom.

Speaker 4 1:33

Well, yeah, I did trust my mom, and I knew a couple of students at Sterling then too, so I did a little. He asked I did ask a few people and, yeah, I ended up calling her. We had a couple of nice conversations and then it, you know it's, it snowballed from there and thank the good Lord that I did call her.

Speaker 3 1:50

Yes, glad I gave his mom my number. Yes, so how long have you been married? It's been 17 years. We just did the math and I forgot.

Speaker 2 1:58

You just did the math. Okay, Okay and kids. We have two kids. Okay and kids we have two kids.

Speaker 3 2:04

Luke is 14. He'll be 15 on Wednesday, okay, and Emma just turned 13 in June.

Speaker 2 2:09

Okay, and you both work outside the home.

Speaker 3 2:12

Yep, I'm a teacher at Eastern High School.

Speaker 4 2:15

And I work. I'm a general manager at a collision center in Turnersville.

Speaker 2 2:18

Fun. Those are fun jobs. So when? You're not when you're not at work and raising teens. What do you like to do for fun?

Speaker 4 2:28

Well, we like to do a lot of things for fun. We don't really get to do as much things as we'd like, but we like taking trips together, small trips when we can, with the kids obviously as well. We enjoy going out, eating out sometimes, and we're actually homebodies, though we love staying home and just watching movies and sitting at our pool. I mean, I think that's what we enjoy the most.

Speaker 3 2:49

Yeah, and I have been saying that one of my love languages is taking the kids to amusement parks. It's like going to Disney or Universal. It's fun but, like lately, it's been Great Adventure and I love doing that stuff, local day trip kind of thing, nice.

Speaker 4 3:05

And let's be clear at the amusement parks are Dana's love.

Speaker 2 3:06

That's Dana's love language. Okay, as long as you know that, right, that's the most important thing and, really, like I, what I want to ask you about is communication. So how well would you say, you communicate with each other?

Speaker 3 3:18

Pretty good, we're pretty good at that. It's one of our strong suits, yeah.

Speaker 4 3:21

I agree Definitely. Like you know, we've always been pretty good with that. Dana's not afraid to tell me if she doesn't enjoy something, and I'm the same way. I'm not afraid to tell her I don't enjoy something. I know she doesn't like the beach, but she goes to the beach for me. I don't like amusement parks, but I go to the amusement parks for her.

Speaker 3 3:36

Christmas time.

Speaker 4 3:46

He likes going to Christmas, everything, but yeah, okay, and um, like, we have a shared calendar, which is super helpful, okay, yeah, that was a game changer we rec. I recommend that for everybody. Get a shower, get a shared calendar with your spouse yeah, we have google calendar.

Speaker 3 3:52

We have a shared, so we shared it. We actually have a family, one that we share with the, the in-laws and the parents, um, so the grandparents, so they can oh follow the games and stuff and yeah, because you.

Speaker 4 4:04

It's just so difficult with all the sports and everything going here and there all the activities. So now Dana started a shared calendar for them, so now they can see whenever there's a sport.

Speaker 1 4:13

Really smart.

Speaker 2 4:14

Yeah, that's really smart, and the address is in there too.

Speaker 3 4:17

That's really smart and they're like I don't know how to get there. Just press it and the map comes up Nice. There, just press it and the math comes up nice. But yeah, that's, that's huge for communication, like just knowing when things are happening, like oh, um, let me check with rob if there's something going on and don't have to look.

Speaker 2 4:34

You just have to look at the calendar and it's in there yeah, is one of you, would you say, want to use a better listener than the other, or both of you, good at listening?

Speaker 3 4:42

I think at times we're both pretty good. I mean once in a while, like I have a little bit of adhd, so if something's happening and I'm not listening, he's just like. All right, dana, look at me yeah, she's a very good listener.

Speaker 4 4:56

You just have to bring her back to the conversation sometimes, but no, she's.

Speaker 3 4:59

She's a dana's an excellent listener yeah so, and if I have an issue, he's always listening from like to me. If I need like an, if I have an issue, he's always listening to me. If I need an ear or shoulder to lean on, he's very good at being supportive and listening to me. That's great. I had a rough year two years ago at my school so he was there and I was like I left in the middle of school to call him because I was so upset and he answered and talked to me and you know that's important, I think, to me oh yeah, Absolutely.

Speaker 2 5:26

Do you find, like, even in really healthy, happy marriages there's still conflict that comes up right, there's still bumps in the road. How do you guys handle conflict?

Speaker 4 5:41

Well, it's funny because we actually kind of like to handle it a little differently.

Speaker 1 5:46

Yeah.

Speaker 4 5:46

But as far as the conflict goes, let me say first, though, that our conflicts are usually over stuff that really is not serious or important. It's the little things that kind of get us sometimes, which I think is a great thing, and it's not. You know, we don't. We're usually on the same page and always with the with the major stuff, but the little stuff I mean. You know we don't, we're usually on the same page and always with the major stuff, but the little stuff I mean. You know, dana likes to handle it right away, whether it's 1130 at night or if it's three in the afternoon, and I like to kind of let things simmer down a little bit, maybe sleep on it and then wake up. So that's kind of. Sometimes we handle it at 1130 at night and then other times, you know.

Speaker 3 6:22

We let it simmer. But it's funny because our communication is great. Sometimes we use the phone and we text each other like all right, I'm sorry. And then it's like it's just a weight lifted off our shoulders. If we had to sleep, we slept on it and we didn't talk about it all day, and in the morning we didn't. And then, like in the middle of the afternoon, I'll get a text like you're right, I'm sorry, or I'll text him I'm sorry, I acted that way and it's just like. I know it's not face to face, but it's our way of dealing with it Like it's not, like I don't know. I think it's easier to say you're sorry when it's a text. Sometimes, especially if it's something stupid, you know.

Speaker 4 7:00

Yeah, and that's the thing I, you know, we're both. We're both stubborn people. So sorry kids, but we're both stubborn people. So that's why I think sometimes it's better just to, you know, give it, you know, six or eight hours and you know, talk about it another time.

Speaker 3 7:16

Yeah, they always say don't sleep on it, but sometimes you have to.

Speaker 2 7:20

Well, and sometimes you're just not in the same space Like you're both working. You're raising kids that are super active. It's hard to find that time, so sometimes technology is our friend for communication and conflict resolution, and that's okay. Yeah, as long as you're handling it, you know, and so it's really what works for each couple.

Speaker 3 7:39

We're not barring it, we're dealing with it, which is what we need to do. Yeah.

Speaker 4 7:42

And Dana's a little. You know, her mind still works pretty well at 11 o'clock at night. Mine does not.

Speaker 2 7:46

No mine does not either. That's impressive. I'm shut down.

Speaker 3 7:53

I've always been at night now, but which is why I went to Great Adventure, it was on a Friday night, late, late late.

Speaker 2 7:58

So even when we communicate and handle conflict well, Life throws us unexpected curveballs. Can you share an unexpected challenge and maybe how you handled it together?

Navigating Challenges and Strengthening Bonds

Speaker 3 8:12

Yeah, when Luke was two years old, he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and we almost lost him. He was so sick, he was severely dehydrated. We didn't know what was happening. We had taken him to the doctor. The doctor didn't know what was going on and then he was putting himself to bed like what two-year-old puts himself to bed at five o'clock in the afternoon. And then rob comes home from work and I'm just upset crying, and so he calls the doctor and they're like I guess you just take him to the er. So we did. We just come to the er and immediately the ER doctor diagnosed him with type he's, like I think he's got type one diabetes, like immediately. So that was a huge challenge and it changed our lifestyle completely.

Speaker 2 8:53

And you had how old was Emma? Emma was born, so you had a one year old and then a two year old. You're working, you're home with these one and two year old like high stress high stress right. So he gets this diagnosis and what happens and we we.

Speaker 3 9:11

I think it cemented our marriage more than anything. It made us more cohesive. It was like all this petty stuff doesn't matter, it's about our kids and our family. And it was huge. It was a huge turning point, Not that we were arguing a lot, but I just think it just cemented our marriage more fully. We can handle this, we can handle anything. You handle a really severely sick child, you can handle anything.

Speaker 2 9:36

Do you know? Yeah, so how did you? How did you work together to get through that?

Speaker 4 9:40

I mean we just I mean we had. I mean we had, we had each other. You know, we had, we had the Lord and we had each other and there was really I mean oh God was huge. You know when you're in, we're in the hospital and you know your son's sitting there. You know there's rarely I feel like there's rarely a time that you have a helpless feeling. Well, that's a helpless feeling.

Speaker 4 9:56

There's nothing you can do for him. You know there's nothing you can do at all and all you have to do you just give it to God. And I think I mean that kind of carries us every day in our marriage too. And you know, especially at that time I mean we just had to give it to God and just let him take over. And you know, we both always had the same. You know, we shared the same beliefs with that and we kind of both felt the same way.

Speaker 3 10:20

Yeah.

Speaker 4 10:20

You know, I don't know, I just feel like that.

Speaker 3 10:24

And me being home helped a lot. Okay, I don't know how I would have worked. I don't know how I would have been able to go get a job. So him being able to support us while I was there doing everything was huge, I know, not a lot of people can do that.

Speaker 4 10:41

And you know it's Dana, just you know, and she just jumped into that. I mean that's a life changer, especially, I mean it's a lot better now. Sure, because technology, even just in the let's see, he's had it for 12 years now. Even in the 12 years that he's had it, technology's come so far. Well then, I mean it was giving him a minimum four shots a day and checking his blood sugar by hand about 15 times a day. So I mean she was just immediately just on top of it.

Speaker 2 11:06

Yeah, I became a helicopter, you became a nurse. You became a nurse. She did Like overnight.

Speaker 4 11:11

she just picked this stuff up from the doctor in the hospital and she was off and running, so I knew I could just take a step back.

Speaker 3 11:17

The doctor didn't even teach him. He was like all right, I'm teaching you and you can teach me. That's exactly what he did. He did.

Speaker 4 11:22

And that was you know. Again, that was a smart doctor, it was a good move.

Speaker 4 11:25

But she kind of just took over with it and I was able to just take a step back. Okay, you're in control of this. You tell me what you need from me and this has always been, this has been her thing. She makes the decision on if we're going to upgrade his pump or if we're going to change his sensor, and she takes the lead on that. And that's her thing. And I do what she tells me to do and she's in control of that. She gets the final decision because she's the one that does all the research. She knows more about it. She's you know, she's on top of it. I think that's always been a big big thing for us is we're not going back and forth and having arguments over that, because she's the one that puts the time in. She does all the research. She's more knowledgeable.

Speaker 2 12:08

And it sounds like you fully trust her in that, oh, a thousand percent you're not questioning her.

Speaker 4 12:12

No, because when it comes to her kids, when it comes to Luke and Emma, I mean she's not going to make a bad decision, and I trust him fully too If, like you know, I'm going away for the weekend.

Speaker 1 12:24

I know.

Speaker 3 12:24

I know I don't have to worry at all. I know he's got them. So that's huge the trust there.

Speaker 2 12:29

Yeah, because this is an everyday thing that you're dealing with everyday thing that you're dealing with. So, yeah, it's important for you to to be able to get away for a weekend or take a break, but needing to know that, okay, yeah, luke's in good hands, so I can do that. Yeah, so you can care for yourself.

Speaker 3 12:44

Yeah, One thing that that did inhibit was date nights. We weren't able to like get away, so we haven't gone away on vacation and together in like 12 years Now, we we never went away away Like we do nights or whatever but, like, yeah, we don't have there's no vacation time for the two of us, which is fine, Like we love our kids and we love each other, so it's fine. But I'm really excited for college.

Speaker 2 13:14

Which really is not that far away. No, it's not. Yes, it's not, but yeah, that's definitely um a sacrifice and just something that comes along. Yeah, territory, yeah, but now that the kids are like older and more like.

Speaker 3 13:32

Luke is so more much more self-sufficient he can do everything himself he's great except wake up in the middle of the night. But he takes care of himself. But we can like leave him for a few hours to go on a date. You know, it's nice that we could do that, yes.

Speaker 2 13:45

Yeah, as they age right, the freedom has become a little bit more and the independence.

Speaker 3 13:50

Yeah, I really enjoy it. Yeah, enjoy it, but you're raising adults. You're not raising kids.

Speaker 2 13:56

You raise adults, good adults, that's why we always felt the same way with raising our kids together, which is nice that we Right, you want him to learn how to manage this for himself. You can't always be the one managing it, right, I can't. It's hard. You alluded to this in our conversation. But so, him being diagnosed, you really turned to your faith to help you through that time. How do you live your faith in your lives now, let's say, or how does faith impact your lives in your marriage?

Speaker 3 14:31

We've had issues. We've had a death of a parent. My dad passed away. We've had, you know, with Luke diagnosed all that stuff. We've had some had issues. We've had a death of a parent. My dad passed away. We've had, you know, with Luke diagnosed all that stuff. We've had some massive issues. But I feel like God just really wanted us together because we are good at supporting each other. His grandparents both passed away while we were together.

Speaker 4 14:49

We've had quite a few job changes both of us.

Speaker 3 14:52

Yeah, that's high stress.

Speaker 4 14:53

Oh yeah, definitely, Especially, you know, when you have job changes and you know Dana's still staying at home. So that was always a big moment where we had to rely on faith. We were making the right decision.

Speaker 3 15:05

Oh yeah, that's true With money, money, sure, you would get, like you know, just have just struggles with one income house and you're changing jobs and you're like is this?

Speaker 2 15:14

going to work and health insurance, right. You know what's that look like.

Speaker 4 15:17

With the diabetic. Yeah, health insurance was huge and that was a stretch for a stress for a while was the fact that just I couldn't, I couldn't change jobs because I didn't. You know, the benefits were so important. So that was always a thing that we had to, you know.

Speaker 3 15:32

Yeah, rely on God to like get us through.

Speaker 4 15:35

Help us make the right decision. Yes, is this the right decision?

Speaker 3 15:38

Yeah, yeah, and then we bought a house when Emma was born. And that was huge going from a townhouse in Echo to a house that was foreclosed on in Voorhees that we had to redo the entire house.

Speaker 1 15:53

Yes, and it would rob doing everything Right.

Speaker 3 15:56

So I have two. I'm pregnant, I have a toddler and he's not home all day working on the house, and it was a lot.

Speaker 4 16:04

It was a lot, but we had to rely on God to get us through money-wise and time-wise and just everything, Cause it was we don't always pick the best timing, so um, but yeah, yeah, god gets us through.

Speaker 3 16:20

That was fun.

Speaker 2 16:22

Oh, my goodness. So talk to me. Talk to me a little bit about conflict and communication. If your kids are around, do you model? How well do you model it for your kids? Do you handle conflict when they're around? Do you wait for them not to be around? Talk to us about communication, conflict and children.

Speaker 3 16:41

We're on the fly people. So like when we argue, we argue right then and there, whether our kids are around or not.

Speaker 4 16:47

So um, yeah, they definitely see us argue. But I mean, I feel like, you know, I feel I mean I feel like that's a part of life though, and maybe it's, and it's definitely a part of marriage. So at the same time, it's probably not good to do in front of our kids like that.

Speaker 4 17:03

But at the same time, I mean one day they're going to be married and they're going to have those fights with their spouse and again. But at the same time they also see us show affection to each other all the time and they can see how much we I'm sure they can see how much we love each other.

Speaker 3 17:18

So they definitely see that.

Speaker 2 17:19

And they see us. They see the resolution piece of it.

Speaker 3 17:22

They see the resolve, yeah, and they see us resolve it so. And they see us say sorry too, so yeah, they see like, and I apologize to my kids when I do something wrong. So I think that's important too, to show them like I can say I'm sorry too. I don't, I'm not always right. We're not perfect.

Speaker 2 17:39

Yeah, this is life. We don't always get along, yeah Right, we don't always see the same and when we disagree, this is what it looks like, but there is a way to resolve it.

Speaker 3 17:47

That's really good. Yeah, they see the good, the bad and the ugly and I think that's a life lesson for them to see. They need to see that it's not always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes you've got hard days and how to get through those hard days. I think that's important for the kids to see it.

Speaker 4 18:02

Yeah, and our arguments? They're not mean, they're just arguments. Yeah, arguments, that's reality.

Speaker 3 18:13

It is Whether that's right or not. There's no right or wrong. There's no right or wrong. This is reality, this is reality.

Speaker 2 18:18

It is what it is. Yes, so all marriages go through highs and lows. If there is a couple listening that maybe is struggling right now in their marriage, what kind of hope could you offer to them? What words of hope would you have for them?

Speaker 3 18:31

If there's love, there's always hope. You know, if you guys love each other, then use God, use your faith. Talk to somebody you can get through. I think everybody struggles. Nobody's got a perfect life. If they do, it's probably fake. If they got a perfect life, like um, if they do, it's probably fake if they have a perfect life, you know. So, um, everybody has something. So talk to someone, that's huge, even if it's a counselor or a friend, somebody, yeah.

Speaker 4 19:02

I mean I that's the way I think about it is you know if? If Dana's going through something, I mean she's my best friend, I don't want to see the love of my life struggle or go through something. So be there for them and see what they need and communicate.

Speaker 3 19:21

Yeah, communication's huge.

Speaker 2 19:24

It really is. Yeah, even when we're going through some tough times and it's hard to communicate, it's still so important. Yeah, it is. You guys have shared some great stuff today, thank you. Is there anything else that you would like us to? To touch on any other words of wisdom that you have?

Speaker 4 19:42

communication is the biggest thing for us. We're quick to tell each other if something's bothering us and when we're fighting, you have to remember to like you do love that person, so watch your words when you're fighting.

Speaker 2 19:56

That's something I've had to learn. Yeah, I think like in the heat of it. Right, remembering, like the spouse, my spouse is not my enemy. Right, there is an enemy, but it's not my spouse Exactly, and remembering that you are, we're actually on the same team. Yeah, we're just not on the same page right now.

Speaker 3 20:12

Exactly, exactly.

Speaker 2 20:15

It's huge.

Speaker 3 20:20

It's so easy to forget we're on the same side here.

Speaker 1 20:26

Well, it's been so great to talk with you guys.

Community Engagement at Meet Hope

Speaker 2 20:27

Thank you, yes, and I'm finding us here Absolutely, and I'm finding us here Absolutely and I know that other couples are really going to benefit from hearing your story and what you shared today. So thank you for sharing with us. I'd like to thank those of you who are listening to our Meet Hope podcast. We are so glad that you tuned in and hope that you listen and share, and you can look out for Dana and Rob anytime. They're in the lobby a lot and in the chat. So, yes, they are around at Hope and they love to talk to any new faces. So thanks again for listening, thank you.

Speaker 4 20:59

Thank you.

Speaker 2 21:00

Have a great day.

Speaker 1 21:06

Thanks for being a part of the Hope community as we continue our conversations about faith and hope. If you don't already, please join us for worship on Sundays or on demand. You can learn more at meethopeorg or find us on socials at meethopechurch.