Raising teenagers can feel like navigating an ever-shifting maze, but you're not alone! In our latest episode, we sit down with Brynn Gutelius, who having raised two teens, shares how she has sought the delicate balance of fostering independence while maintaining connection. Brynn also shares what she has learned about herself in her parenting journey.
NOTES & RESOURCES:
Thanks for being a part of the HOPE community as we continue conversations about faith and hope! You can learn more at meethope.org or find us on socials @meethopechurch. Join in for worship on Sundays at meethope.live! Have a question? Contact us at podcast@meethope.org.
Raising teenagers can feel like navigating an ever-shifting maze, but you're not alone! In our latest episode, we sit down with Brynn Gutelius, who having raised two teens, shares how she has sought the delicate balance of fostering independence while maintaining connection. Brynn also shares what she has learned about herself in her parenting journey.
NOTES & RESOURCES:
Thanks for being a part of the HOPE community as we continue conversations about faith and hope! You can learn more at meethope.org or find us on socials @meethopechurch. Join in for worship on Sundays at meethope.live! Have a question? Contact us at podcast@meethope.org.
Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast, where we have conversations about faith and hope. Hope is one church made of people living out their faith through two expressions in person and online. We believe a hybrid faith experience can lead to a growing influence in our community and our world for the sake of others. Welcome to Hope.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast. My name is Heather Mandela and I'm going to be your host for today. I am very excited because we are in the middle of a series based on parenting workshops we offered just recently here at Hope Church, and so we have been meeting with our presenters and asking them to share a little bit about what they shared with our families. It was an amazing weekend. I have heard incredible things back from our families who attended, and I am excited to be here with Bryn Gatilius today. So, bryn, I've known you for a very long time 18 years, yeah but our listeners have not, so tell us a little bit about yourself.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, my name is Bryn. I am wife to Kevin you may have seen him around church as well he's pretty active with the youth and also daughter-in-law to Joyce Gatilius, who teaches the middle schoolers on Sunday mornings. And we've been coming to Hope since I had a little one in a car seat and Hope was the only place that my two-year-old didn't cry, so that's why we started going here.
Speaker 2:I remember that Sunday you were in the nursery. I was, I can remember, sitting on the floor with Bailey Yep, yep, we had a grand old time and she made it through. Yeah, we had a grand old time, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so yeah, now I have a 20-year-old and an 18-year-old, so this season of teen parenting is almost done. I'm still in it. Yep, I'm in it, but I can see the other side of it. So I just have such a passion for anything I could do to help parents in this season with their teenagers.
Speaker 2:Right, I know we were just talking about. You know the ways that we wish we had the things we wish we had done differently right, yes and to be able to share that with parents who are in the midst of it or where it's coming up. It's huge. It's huge because it is. It is a challenging and exciting and fulfilling and overwhelming and exhausting season. Yes, yes, and that's just us.
Speaker 3:Right, yes, exactly, we haven't even mentioned the kids yet. I know, I know.
Speaker 2:But so now tell me a little bit about your background. So you came and you spoke for our parenting teens and tweens, which again, rave reviews. I've heard from so many different parents about how excited they were to be able to have take-homes right away. So we're going to talk a little bit about that later, but tell us a little bit about why you are talking. Why were you the one that was presenting here? Sure?
Speaker 3:Well, I have a background in the social work field. I stayed home with my kids for about eight years and then went back to work part-time and it was limited what I could do with families, and so I decided to go back and get my degree in counseling. I had actually started that in my young 20s.
Speaker 3:I didn't know that I took quite a break yeah, going back to school. So I got my degree finished up during COVID and started my internship at the Center for Christian Counseling and Relationship Development. There's four locations. I'm at the Marlton, one here and that's where I work now. I also still work at the social work agency teaching parenting classes. So I really love what I do and I learn a lot I have about half of my caseload is probably teenagers- at the counseling center.
Speaker 3:Of course I have my own and I learned from my own experience, a lot of times the hard way, and then from my friends. You know that would share things that worked for them or didn't work Right. I learned the hard way. I learned from my teenager. I learned from others.
Speaker 2:And I love that, because the theme I hear as you're speaking is community. Yes, right, yes. We learn when we are in community with other people in similar seasons of life, and that's huge.
Speaker 3:But you know it's hard for parents of teenagers because, as you know, we have our background and lives together, right? Yes, I did that for six years and I loved it. And I loved it because I wasn't alone in my parenting and I felt comfortable and fine sharing toilet problems.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 3:And my kid bit another kid, you know, and all of that it wasn't shameful.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And then when you have a teenager who doesn't want you to share their business rightfully so. You're going through these experiences, feeling alone.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you do.
Speaker 3:You can't share on social media, can't get all all of those likes and comments right Like you could with a little one, yeah, so um and then. Uh, I think it's it's very important for a parent to know that they're not alone.
Speaker 2:I agree and I think that was one of the things I heard from these parents at the workshops was one your vulnerability and willing to say, hey, here's what I did.
Speaker 3:Well, and here's what I did wrong. I started right out. I said I'm going to out myself and we all have it All out ourselves right. Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, our kids can out us even better.
Speaker 3:I'm sure. Yeah, they're at first in line. Right, that was humble.
Speaker 2:It's huge, it's to be able to say you know here's what I did wrong and you know I want to help you as you figure this out. Um, so agreed, this is really. Really it's hard work raising teenagers. It is hard, it's hard for them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's hard for them to be a teenager and, um, you know, uh, an analogy I used in the class that, um, I try to remember in my own life. I just picture a C right and we're on these rafts in the sea and they can't help me on my raft. I need other helpers. I need to be able to fully help them and show it for them and be present for them and be their cheerleader and be their safe person, and that relationship starts in childhood, you know, um, and that will be then waiting for us there at the end.
Speaker 3:Yes, so you know relationship is the most important thing, not grades, not social media, not nothing, nothing. Your relationship with your teenager and what you're doing to cultivate that.
Speaker 2:No, so what would you say to a parent who feels like I've blown it? You know I'm hearing this. You know I was raised by super stern maybe parents right, and it was all about you. Know you don't talk back, you're not disrespectful, you clean your room when you're told you do what you. You know this was how, this was how I was raised. And now I've got a kid who does not respond to me, yelling, who has no interest in keeping a clean room. Do any of them, you know? And so how do you say? What do you say to a parent who says I, that ship has sailed. I clearly blew relationship through the maybe preteen years and now I'm staring at a teenager who, you know, is staring back at me, dug in their trenches deep as I'm dug in mine.
Speaker 3:Yes, oh, that's so relatable. Um, wow, what would I say? First, we are in a in a new terrain of parenting. You know, I don't know what you call it, right, some people are gentle parenting or you know, I don't, I don't know what it is, it's not what our parents did and it probably won't be what our children do. Right, right, um, if you keep relationship as your motivator and you pause sometimes before a response and you try to remember your value, right, um, if your value is your child's feelings, their heart. Something like a room is busy stuff.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 3:Right, that that's not um, that's not aligned with our value together. So that might be something that I let go right, or visit it once in a while. Yes, you know, not all the time where. Then you know there a room becomes a battleground. You know, want it to be a battleground. You don't want your house to be a battleground, you want it to be a safe place.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it can feel like that sometimes when it's our agenda that we're trying to share forcefully.
Speaker 3:Because, right, a clean room is a better room. A clean room, you could think, and you can have somebody over and it doesn't smell, and it doesn't have ants.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there's no bugs. Come on, I know, I know. Why are we sleeping with a hammer in our bed? Why is there a dog bone in there?
Speaker 3:Like, yes, like it, just stuff that they may not care about what we care about, but it doesn't mean that they won't someday. Yes, you know, this is a season.
Speaker 2:When one of my daughters was finally able to articulate me, it was to me. It was probably in her early high school years. You know, she said mom, when you come in and tell me that my room is a disaster, what I hear is that I'm a disaster. Yes, yes, and it stopped me on my tracks. Yes, Stop me in my tracks. I said that's not what I mean at all. Yeah, but that's what they hear.
Speaker 3:Yes, they internalize a lot more than we could ever know.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:And that's what I've learned counseling teenagers. Sometimes they'll share a story with me and I'm like, oh, that sounds very familiar.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You know, and I'm so thankful my I shared on Saturday my first client ever there. I was a new intern right Brand, brand spanking new, and I had a teenager and she was sharing with me a story about how she had decorated her room the fake Ivy, the fake candles, the scatter rug, the bohemian drapes like the whole thing, yes, the thigh below top and bottom. Oh, yes, and she twinkle lights right.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, everywhere she was, so proud of it.
Speaker 3:And her dad stood at the doorway and looked around and he said there's a lot going on in here. And as she shared that with me, she started crying about how disconnected she felt from her dad, that he didn't know her, that he didn't want her, that he didn't enjoy her. And I'm with her, but I'm thinking selfishly to myself.
Speaker 2:How many times have I done something like this? I probably said that exact same thing, yeah, yeah. We all have because we don't recognize the disconnect between our intent and the way they hear our words. You know that breakdown that occurs, but I think what I hear from you in this conversation is the idea that, no matter how far gone you think you are, it's never too late to put relationship first.
Speaker 3:Oh, and repair, yes, repair. There is a lot to be said for humility and forgiveness, to look your child in the eye and say this was my intention but that's not what happened and I missed you in this and I am so sorry. Can you please forgive me? How do we do this better?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You know, let your child join in with you in making choices going forward, because they have ideas, oh yes, about how you should parent. Yes, they do, and some things you could say that might not be feasible for me. But how about this? Yep, take your time.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:You can say let me think about it, I want no curfew.
Speaker 2:Well, that might not work for me, but how can we work together to find something that will, you know, its team, where they feel like they're part of a team, rather than fighting against?
Speaker 3:Yes, and that's that new parenting right. I mean, our parents told us we didn't weigh in, we didn't have a conversation there were statements and ultimatums and consequences, right, yep, and you know, I understand that philosophy. You know I'm the parent, you're the child. However, you lose connection in that type of parenting, you lose relationship, you lose trust and intimacy. Their vulnerability with you, telling you things which you want to know. Yeah, you want to know these things.
Speaker 2:And they do. I think one of the things that I have discovered over the years of doing it incorrectly and trying to repair and get back. You know they don't learn how to make good choices themselves if they're only following directions right. So our goal is to help raise adults. We want them to be critical thinkers, you know so. When we make them part of the process, they're learning how to make good decisions for themselves going forward. So when I say I don't think no curfew is gonna work for me because you have to work the next day and I don't wanna drag your tush out of bed screaming and yelling, so what time do you think you could be home that would allow you to get up reasonably?
Speaker 2:You know things like this so that they are understanding it's not just an arbitrary time, it's not just there's a reason. We have concerns. And when we articulate that, then they're better able to reflect back themselves and say, well, what will I need to do? To be sure, you know I'm not gonna hound you about homework, but if you were going out this weekend and working two days this weekend, when is it getting done Right? Where do you need to make changes in your schedule? Not me mandating anything, and they start to learn to prioritize. But they don't do that when it's just purely following, towing the line, so to speak. But gosh, it's so much easier just to tell them right.
Speaker 3:Well, they're not listening. When we do, let's be honest. They see a disapproving look on our face and a bunch of words that they don't wanna take with them. So it's just not effective. I've had to say a lot.
Speaker 2:This is my thinking face. Give me time to process. I don't wanna respond and I realize my initial look is not necessarily appropriate. So this is my thinking face let me think, let me walk away and come back with an answer, because my initial reaction is not always the right one.
Speaker 3:That was something that took me years to learn. I would quickly react. A lot of times I would overreact. I would feel 15 different things all at once and everything seemed permanent. And I have learned. Even if I'm biting my tongue so hard it may literally fall out of my mouth. I need a few minutes.
Speaker 2:That's the other phrase I think we say a lot in my house is very few things are forever. So we make the best decision we can with the information we have at the time. But that does not mean that we can't change our mind. It doesn't mean we can't go in a different direction. We can't make repairs, changes. Very few things in life are forever. As those kids get older and they start worrying about college and futures and careers, I joke and I say my husband happens to be someone who graduated in his career field and has stayed in it through retirement. He's probably the only one I know. That is not the norm anymore. So I tell them frequently look, you're going to do what's best for you right now and God's going to use that in your future, but take the pressure off. That could be a future podcast.
Speaker 3:Those things are so hard for this graduated team. What do I do with myself now? Yes, oh, and we have lots of suggestions for them that they don't want to hear.
Speaker 2:Rightly, so it's their decision, right, yeah? So tell me what were some of the things that you think you can do to make it better. What were some of the things that you can do to make it better? Favorite takeaways that you gave at the parenting seminar? Are there any things that you maybe wished you'd known when your girls were younger, or things that worked really, really well, that you think that our listeners might be able to walk away from this podcast with one or two tricks in their back pocket? Sure, sure.
Speaker 3:Something that I shared with them was you know, in these, especially those younger teen years, when we're moving from actively parenting a child to now this tween, now this teen grades and schooling is a battle with some kids and it's hard for us parents to know how to navigate that. And somebody shared with me that was very effective in my own life, that I shared on Saturday, was waiting, talking with your child about when this would work, but waiting to talk about school once a week If they're having some academic struggles, some homework that's not getting turned in, or a grade that you don't think they're.
Speaker 3:You know they're capable of more right, having that be a constant communication piece in the home. Did you turn this in? Why did you get a C? You could get an A. You know that's not good for your relationship. It's not good for you, your kid, the relationship. So that's something that I would suggest.
Speaker 2:I love that.
Speaker 3:That's a hardship in the home is what about these grades and what they're doing at school? We're not doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, and because I guarantee those kids know they're already feeling the weight of it. Yeah, and so when it is the first topic of conversation every day or the constant topic of conversation, it just adds to that stress and that not wanting to be home because it's going to come up and I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, I wish that's something I wish I had grasped sooner and had put into place sooner, because it's so hard. As parents, we have our own agenda when it comes to grades.
Speaker 3:Yeah, right, yeah, and we worry about things like them, getting into college and getting scholarships, and you know what does this mean. It takes a. You know it travels down the road quickly in our mind. Right, we spiral, yes, and we worry about things that are not today.
Speaker 3:Like being present in today is important with a teenager. Yeah, Now what can I do? And I'd say the other thing is figure out what strengths your teenager naturally has. And they have them, yes, Even if it's well, all I know about my teenager is that she spends hours on social media. Okay, that's telling me you know she really wants to be connected with friends. Maybe Absolutely.
Speaker 3:You know if she's hurting all her friends things and being encouraging. That's the gift of encouragement you know. Just try to like, really wonder about what it is that your child naturally does well, that comes easily to them and applaud them in that, cheerfully them, let them think that they are amazing and awesome and their name is going to be in lights and they need someone doing that for them. You know the world takes enough as it is. They take from themselves. Yes, you know their self-esteem can take such a hit during these years.
Speaker 2:They're so often their own worst critics. Yes, right, they're the hardest on themselves and we just don't see it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because they're constantly in defense mode with us. So they're defending themselves with them all the time with us, when the reality is that they're already berating themselves for most likely anything that we've thought of. Yeah, and more.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah. So try to encourage that, try to get them involved in that. Sometimes during these years, it's like wait, my kid played softball for 10 years and now she doesn't know what to do. Or he, you know, was part of the soccer team, but now that he's not varsity, he's doing nothing.
Speaker 2:Maybe he can help coach littles, maybe he can.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, try to figure out and you know, another thing I'd suggest to you sometimes is, as adults, we could be like $7 for a Starbucks drink, right? That's ridiculous. Well, if that's their world, join them in it. Yeah, pay the seven bucks to go to Starbucks and have a pinkity drinkity with them, right?
Speaker 2:Yes, I was, yes, we. Our Starbucks budget grew exponentially in those teen years because it really was. Conversation would happen on the way to and from, and there were lots of times where Kevin's like let's go to the far one because we knew like that time in the car was conversation time and it was how we would get to hear what was going on in their lives.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, oh, the car car is a great tip it is. The car is a great tip. And before they start driving themselves, if you're, you know, able to chaperone the different things and by that I don't mean sitting in the movie theater with them, I mean driving- the driver being the driver. That's how you hear the tea.
Speaker 2:Oh, they forget you're there. It's amazing. You get all kinds of dish. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I agree. That was definitely a big open door for us that we were so grateful for, and mine would always rather use my gas and have me drive anyway, even now that they're young adults.
Speaker 3:So yeah, that's a good idea.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, I like that. They're still like can you drive? I don't have any gas. Sure, yeah, Sure, Bryn. Thank you so much. This has been. I've had a lot of fun. I hope that our listeners will feel as well that they've gotten some practical tips that they can, you know, put into practice right away, and I want to encourage them. You know we have a parenting teen small group that meets here monthly and if they're interested in that, you can check out meet hopeorg for more information about when they meet. There's lots of other parenting small groups that come and go as well, so keep your eyes open there. But community right.
Speaker 3:It's so important.
Speaker 2:It really is.
Speaker 3:You need to find yourself a couple trusted confidants that you can depend upon when you're saying help, help me in my raft, please.
Speaker 2:I don't know what to do.
Speaker 3:I feel like I've done, you know a huge mistake that's unredeemable. You know you need need somewhere to go with that.
Speaker 2:And that's the good news is that you know the Holy Spirit's in the redemptive process, so you know we are always, there's always somewhere to go.
Speaker 3:And he loves us. He loves them even more than we do and I'm so thankful for my faith in my parenting journey. When I say, help, just help, help me, help them. I'm not alone in that. I'm not alone now. So that's, that's a huge takeaway.
Speaker 1:It really is it really is?
Speaker 2:So there you go, friends. I hope that you have learned a little something today and can feel encouraged in your parenting journey. Again, if you have any questions or just need to not feel alone, feel free to please reach out to us here at the Meet Hope podcast and we can get you connected with others on the same journey.
Speaker 1:Thanks for being a part of the Hope community as we continue our conversations about faith and hope. If you don't already, please join us for worship on Sundays or on demand. You can learn more at meethopeorg or find us on socials at Meet Hope Church.